Just checking in & a small victory!

I've been so busy this past week, I haven't had much time to catch up on everyone's blogs or post anything myself. So today my husband went to work so I thought I would clean house, cook a few new recipes and prepare some food for the upcoming week, and catch up on everyone's blogs. One of the things I love about reading  blogs is all the info I get. I haven't really kept track of my weight loss too much other than remembering a few key points of weights I hit, and when I would pass a weight limit that I was always stuck at. I can remember the weight I started when I decided to get the lap band, and then I remember my weight the day of surgery, but everything else has been a blur. So I decided I want to start keeping better track of my progress and successes no matter how big or small. I made myself a spreadsheet to keep track of my weight loss from here on out. I thought it was a pretty good tool, and I'm sure I will be glad I did when I reach my 1 year anniversary. I also want to take pictures of my progress each month as well. I want to celebrate my journey along the way, and even though I cant see any real weight loss, I know it's happening. This morning I was getting dressed and I went into my closet. It's laundry day and had nothing else to wear so I pulled out a old pair of Jean Capri's that have been tucked away. It's been in the 30's this past week, and I usually wear Capri's in the summer, but I figured since I'm just cleaning around the house today, I put them on and was like wait a minute....what the !@$*... I shouted out to my husband, "OMG!! When did these pants get so big?!" They used to fit me nice and snug around the lower section of my stomach and now they are just so much bigger. It was such an unexpected surprise! :) I kept them on they have been falling down all day. It's funny, I used to complain when my clothes were too tight and I couldn't find anything to wear and now I am running out of things to wear because they are too loose.... Hooray!!! :)

I think I need a therapist!

I'll appologize right now, but this post is mainly for my own rant. Sometimes I feel like I can be my own therapist and solve my own problems if I just talk it out with myself. lol

So...It's Sunday night, and it's way past my bedtime. I have work tomorrow and I'm procrastinating on going to sleep as I dont want to hear the alarm clock go off beeping in my ear jolting me from my sleep to remind me to get up and start my day.... Oh joy, let the work day begin!

I love sitting at the computer doing mindless activities that fill my time, but that are relaxing too. One of my new hobbies is reading everyone's lap band blogs. I am completely obsessed and I cant get enough. I could sit here all day just reading and finding new blogs to follow. The information I get, really makes me think and helps make me realize where I'm falling off the wagon, and how I need to kick my butt in gear to succeed. I just got my fill on Friday, and I was supposed to be on liquids Friday and Saturday and mushy foods today. It's my husbands birthday today, and to celebrate we went out to eat last night with a couple friends, and I SWORE I was only having soup. The next damn thing you know everyone is ordering drinks and appetizers and all that food started to arrive and of course everything looked and smelled more appealing than my cup of soup. The next damn thing you know I'm nibbling on bacon cheese fries!!! chew chew chew.... GAAAHHH! (Can you hear me screaming at myself?!) I dont know what I was doing or what I was thinking, but they started to call my name saying, "JESS... EAT ME" everyone was digging in and they just looked so tasty and crispy with their gooey cheese and  mouthwatering bacon sprinkled all over the fries like confetti. This was a party dammit, and good god I was hungry!! I just don't know what came over me.... so ugh yah... I ate some cheese fries. I know it's not the end of the world but it just makes me questions my motives, and what's going on with my head. I feel like I am constantly going through a battle with my mind to make the right choices to eat the right way. Before I got the band I had all these rules in place of everything I wasn't going to be eating, because I made these conscious decisions that I just couldn't and it wasn't an option to cheat because of the band, and little by little here and there little things have snuck their way in.

So I'm REALLY having a hard time with food lately. I'm running out of ideas of things to eat to ensure I'm getting enough protein and veggies. I can do shakes galore to get my protein in, but sometimes my stomach just wants old fashion food! Of course carbs are always the easiest to find, but I need to keep myself away from carbs and sweets as they do enough damage just looking at them. Does anyone have any ideas for foods or know of any good food blogs with band friendly foods and recipes. I think I'm making too many bad choices when I either have too much temptation, when I'm too hungry or when I run out of ideas of things to eat.

Also, I just got my first fill on Friday and I forgot to ask how many cc's they put in. I've been hungry a couple times a day (not ravenous) but I cant judge how much restriction I have yet. When I start to feel hungry, I feel disappointed, like my fill isn't working. Is this normal?? My head loves to play tricks on me and I think I was just thinking once I got my first fill, I'd never be hungry again lol - Or maybe I was just hoping that would be the case? lol See how my mind works... I'm crazy I tell ya!

Well I wasn't really able to self-diagnose myself or have any breakthrough realizations to solve my own problems by being my own therapist this time around. I am still sitting here just as confused and a little frustrated about my food choices this weekend,  if anyone has any advice w/ foods or food blogs, please let me know.

Thanks again for listening to my crazy rants :) 

Follow up post :)

Follow Up from earlier today:

Whoo hoo!! I got my first fill!! I'm so excited :) 

Okay, so I went in STARVING... like O-M-G I just so hungry, I was ready to literally eat my arm off. Of course today of all days, I woke up hungry and had crazy hunger pains all day up until my appointment. If this wasnt an instant indicator I needed that fill, I dont know what would be LOL

The nurse calls me in and they have me lay on the table, and the nurse starts poking around looking for my port. I'm such a nerd, cause I didnt even know where it was. I've been too nervous to even feel around on my own stomach to find my port, I don't know why but I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about touching it and feeling it inside me LOL! (I'm weird... I know) I'm just glad she located it for me so I  know where it is now. She asked me to kinda sit up like I was doing a sit up, and prick! Owwww!!!! The needle hurt way more than I thought it would!  I'm not squeamish and I'm very tolerable with needles. I've always been the person who likes to watch getting my blood taken and watching the needles go in, but yet I was weirded out by feeling around to find my own port LOL Anyways, once she pricked me, that needle her like a mutha! Wowzer! Then they had me get up (with the needle still sticking out of my stomach) to do my x-ray. I drank the barium and watched it go down. She showed me my band and said everything was going down just as it should and at the pace it should and everything looked great! there were no signs of my band slipping or my pouch being stretched.... Hallelujah!! I've had fears of stretching it since my band hasn't been restricted. So she took out the needle and I was off on my merry little way..... Get this- The best part about my appointment... I went in completely starving and came out not even hungry at all!!! How awesome is that!! First fill done, and it was a success! :)

Put on your big girl panties!

It's been 1 month and 5 days since my surgery. Today I go in for my first fill. I have a plethora of emotions and can't exactly pinpoint how I'm feeling. I'm excited, nervous, scared, and a little upset. I think I'm nervous and scared because up until this point, my band has been so new, and while it's drastically restricted the amount of food I used to eat, it's still empty with zero restriction. All I keep thinking is I'll have to eat less and how will I handle that? What will I be able to eat? And I just freak myself out. Over the past month my stomach has been getting used to eating smaller portions, and trying to figure out the foods that agree with me but I am still fighting with my head to change my relationship and my way of thinking about food. Realizing how much to eat, and when I'm satisfied without getting disgustingly full are still so new to my everyday life. Part of me is a little upset due to the timing of my fill. It's my husbands birthday this weekend, and we're supposed to go to dinner with some friends and all I keep thinking about is what I CANT and wont be able to eat since my doctor has all his patients go on a liquid diet for the following 3 days after a fill/adjustment just to get used to the restriction and to make sure things go down. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, as I've been infected by "stinkin thinkin" (as my grandmother would say) But I guess I just need to remind myself that since I'm trying to change myself, the reward of losing my weight and getting healthy is so much better than any food I could ever attempt to eat. After all, there will be more birthdays and times to celebrate and I should just put on my big girl panties and learn to deal lol.

Thanks for listening! :)

Back in the Saddle Again

I'm sure the motivation to work out would come much easier if I had a huge dinosaur chasing my ass, but until then, I'll have to dwell it up from deep within. Before my surgery, I was a work out queen. We have a free gym & personal trainer at my work and I had full access to get the best personalized work out ever. I could go to the gym every day because I loved the endorphins and high I got from getting a really intense work out. The more sweat, the better! Ever since I had my surgery, I've basically been using it as a huge excuse not to work out. In my head I would say things like, "Oh I don't want to work out too hard and have my incisions split open" etc... blah blah blah... basically just a bunch of different excuses would pop into my head as to why I didn't need to work out, even if I wanted to take it easy and take a break from the gym while my body recovered, I was still perfectly capable of putting on my walking shoes and going for a good walk... but for whatever reasons I gave myself I just didn't. When I was on my post-op liquids diet I lost some weight, and as soon as I started to eat real foods, some of my weight crept back up. So basically I've been maintaining the same weight as my surgery day. Now my first fill is coming up on the 14th, and I know my doctor will rip me a new one for not following his instructions on exercising, and watching my calorie intake. So enough excuses, I'm just going to do it! So tonight I got myself back into the gym with a few co-workers and let my trainer give me a pretty decent work out. Anything that felt too hard or too strenuous to do, I was careful not to kill myself, but I did get in some good cardio, and a few light weights just to try and re-tone my upper arms. It's been about a month since I've worked out, and I already feel like some of the muscle in my body has withered away back to fat. I feel really good tonight, and baby, I'm back in the saddle again! :)

My eyes are bigger than my stomach!

Now that I’m officially on regular foods, it really amazes me how much food I’m able to eat compared to my pre-surgery days. I feel like I am going through this constant battle with my mind of what seems like a “normal portion” compared to what I am actually able to eat now. My mind and hand act in similar ways, where I want to scoop myself a typical large portion and then once I start eating, I’m only able to eat a ¼ of the food on my plate. It’s such a weird but great feeling. Whenever anyone overeats, people use the term “my eyes are bigger than my stomach”, but now that I’m banded, my eyes constantly feel like they have quadrupled in size, and are way bigger than my stomach now. I love having my band, because it’s just a different way of life now. I think the biggest challenge for my husband and I, is to learn how to adjust the amount of food we cook, the amount of food we serve ourselves and of course how much we both eat. My husband is like a human garbage disposal, so we're both hoping that with trimming down the food we cook and serve ourselves, my husband would like to lose a few pounds too. Not to mention, I don’t want every meal we cook to have leftovers for a week, that will get real old real quick! ;)

New Years Day... Starting Fresh!

Today was a pretty good day. I got a lot done, which felt fantastic! I took down all of our Christmas decorations, put away the ornaments, and packed up the tree. We had plans to meet some friends a a pub to watch a hockey game, but it was postponed till later tonight. So I took the opportunity and really focused on putting my new years goals into place. My husband and I had a deep conversations about our lives and where we're headed on our current path. After re-evaluating our lives together as well as individually, we have decided to make some simple yet major changes to improve our lives and it started today. My husband and I have really been on the lazy track going nowhere and have been stuck at this fork in the road. We've just been walking in the same place doing the same boring things and wishing our lives away just trying to get from one day to the next and always wishing for the weekend to arrive, but never doing anything exciting with our lives.We've just been lazy, careless, and have been completely oblivious on how to jump off this track. Today just felt fresh and new and when we discussed all the changes we want to put into place this year, we both actually followed through with putting our changes in place today.

Food wise, I was pretty good 90% of the day. I need to count my calories and stick to mostly protein and veggies if I want to see some progress. Today we went grocery shopping and somehow ice cream found its way into my basket. It's like I lost control and couldn't help but consume it, and before you know it a whole pint was gone! Before getting the band, I'd always get sick from ice cream due to being lactose intolerant, but ever since I got the band, it's like I no longer have lactose issues.... so I just went on eating ice cream, as if I had never had it in my entire  life... ugh whatever. I guess the point it, I'm not going to beat myself up over it, but tomorrow is a new day, and I will just start fresh again :)

Thank you 2011 for being gentle on me, as I still feel so fragile and new to this life.