Hiding Out

Hey There! Long time no post ~  I have been super busy lately, and going totally crazy! I have to admit, I've also been hiding out. So much is going on lately with work, family, things  at home, that in turn I HATE to admit, things haven't been going to well with my band. I'm sure my band would work perfectly fine if I were using it correctly, but I continue to fight with myself & my head. It's funny how I've been acting like if I hide under a rock, all my problems will go away. I know I need to face them, and not beat myself up over the failures I am feeling and experiencing.

So all month long I knew I would be getting my 2nd fill done today on the 17th. I had a whole month to prepare from my last appointment and really get my shit together and get myself in check. Like I always like to say, "CHECK YO SELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YO SELF" but nooooooo.... I let myself slip and I continued to put off what I know I need to be doing for myself. I haven't been working out, and I've been eating terribly! and boy do I mean TERRIBLE!!! I also feel like I can still eat too much, and It's just been a constant battle the past 2 months with my scale and I am so frustrated with myself because this battle to lose weight is still so hard even though I had WLS. So Anywho... I'm trying not to beat myself up.... But it's still so hard! (Can ya tell?? - I've still got so many bad habits to break! lol)

So today I had my appt for my 2nd fill. I was afraid that I was going to be ridiculed and chastised for not losing any weight this month and possibly even gaining weight from my last weigh in. I thought about even re-scheduling my appt to give myself more time to try and lose more weight before my weigh in, but then I thought, God that's so silly since I know I probably need a fill.

So I get to my appt this morning and I weighed in... 268.8 - all of a sudden my mind went blank and I couldn't remember what I weighed in last time. The nurse brought me in the back room to get my fill. She was so excited to see me and said I was down 2 lbs from last time. I was shocked and relieved that I didn't gain! She congratulated me and said they typically would like to see an average loss of about 4lbs a month, but I lost 2 lbs and didn't gain, so she was very proud that the scale was down from my last visit. For some reason when I got my 1st fill I was so nervous since I didn't know what to expect, I forgot to ask them how many cc's they put in my band, so I asked the nurse this morning how many cc's I had in my band before she did her 2nd fill. She said I had only 1cc.... Immediately I was like WHAAAA!!?? And she said that was the most the do when they start out their patients with their first fill, and that today she was going to be putting in 0.7cc's... Right away I just felt ripped off, and extremely disappointed and wondered if this was normal or should I have at least a couple more cc's in my band?? I don't know the protocol for your first & 2nd fill, but after she told me what I had and what I was getting, my mood totally shifted and I wasn't excited or thrilled about my measly 2 lb weight loss.  I just felt cheated and as if that's why I'm feeling that I'm still eating too much and having so many food issues? I know it takes a little while to get to your sweet spot, and I'm only on my 2nd fill, but is it just me?? Is 1cc too little for your first fill and what about 0.7cc's for your 2nd fill?? I don't know why I feel so disappointed? I guess I thought I was going to have a little more restriction to help me with my food intake issues I feel I'm having. I'm almost certain now that I'm definitely eating too much when I think back over the past 2 months. So now I'm confused and feel even more lost. I asked the nurse about any local support groups she knew of because I really feel like I need to get a check on myself and be accountable for my actions. I don't like feeling out of control when it comes to food since that's how I ended up so heavy in the first place. If the amount of my fills are in a semi normal range, I guess I can deal with it, but I thought I was going to have a little more saline inside my band. I just dont know what is a normal range? How much Saline was put in your band for your first few fills? 

Like always any help/advice is appreciated... :)

Thanks for listening to my craziness lol